Crossdressers-Forum.com

[Leeza]

Danielle, here is hoping for the best for you. I hope you don't get too tore up in the attack.

Leeza
_________________
Live life to the fullest as it may be the only oppurtinity we have

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Girls:

At age 61, I am beginning to figure things out a little better than when I was 17 years old. Although, at age 17, I was years ahead of all the adults around me of course! Phew! So, today, I am soooo much better off. My “Valley Girl” days behind me, …. Way behind me! Ouch!

Life is pretty basic these days for me. On the way to the “forum,” I was rather abruptly told by the spouse that she wanted a divorce. Not up until now, could I return with the reply, “do you want fries with that? Should I super-size it for you? How about a hot apple or cherry fritter to top it off?”

I laugh and cry at times, rather spontaneously. I did not think that we could as humans really do that! But, I am here to say, yes, it is possible and I have been doing it on and off since August 12th, 2009, the day after my 61st birthday when the spouse made her grand announcement.

I know, it happens all the time to TG people. The reasons at times are obvious and then, some not so obvious depending upon many human factors. I will refrain from going down that road for now. Suffice it to say, I am the wronged party here. I am the one that is being divorced by my own hand! Good God! I am taking care of things in an administrative manner and financial manner. My spouse kindly disregards the fact that I was in business myself when I gladly gave up the consulting to help “save” her sister from herself (drinking/narcotics (prescription for surgery)), so I had no real income when she decided it was time for her to leave the nest.

As a forum member put it, “this is my side of the story.” Yes, it is. But I will say that I am being very kind and considerate here as one that knows me well would expect of my behavior. Nothing to gain by lying or behaving badly or immaturely. The last two elements, the 401k and the house/land remain to be divided.

The even division of the 401k will take place very soon (less than 90 days), while the real-estate in this current economy will linger on for perhaps 2-3 years. The spouse and her sister live in the home after successfully pushing me over the mental edge to get me to go to upstate New York with my biological family lives. A lovely home nestled on 4 acres or so, from which being on a hill, I have a great view of the related farm valley surrounding us. I have taken some great photographs and will share on my (My SPACE Page) in the next two days. Stop by there if you get a chance and look in the folder marked New York. I should have it in place by tonight, 02-13-2010 no latter than 11:00pm. I will add a link at the bottom of this entry.

I am improving each day as I listen to and act on the advice of “Tony Robbins,” “Personal Power” series. I used this 30-day program to recover from minor depression during the days of taking care of my bi-polar son and his hit and miss experiences with the law. My copy is on tape and was purchased in the late 80’s. I understand that there is a current CD version that has been updated for those that wish to consider such material and could use the support and enthusiasm of a good coach!

It works when you are willing to work with the ideas and to adopt them into your everyday life. Accepting responsibility for the power of what is inside of me vs. the concept of what is outside of me, makes all the difference.

I have been in New York since Nov 3rd, 2009, and trying to adapt to my aging father (the patriarch), and my OCD brother, “the professor.” He cannot talk to you on a subject unless he has read about it. Simple, “no talking out of school” with him. He only refers to things that he has read and can support his answers. Phew! There is rarely any glib speech from him or between us. I must watch what I say and do. It makes for a less than exciting life for now. But, I have come to the safe conclusion that with my current finances, I could “walk” at anytime. I am once again in charge of my life!!!

During my entire time on this forum, I have tried to supply insight, perspective, experience, and a large dose of humor. “The solution to pollution is dilution.” “The solution to depression is a smile and a can do spirit.” The pills help but eventually, one must hopefully take on the world again as a stand-alone individual. For some this will never happen unfortunately. But, for the majority of those that are just down temporarily, this is a positive workable idea.

The spouse thinks that she has won! There is no winning in this sort of real-time drama. No one really ever wins a “war of the roses!” At best, you survive to live and love again!

http://www.myspace.com/danielle_marie_labelle


Hugs

Danielle Marie

_________________
Make the most of every day!

[Hope]

Oh I'm sor sorry you are going through all this. I've been there, done that, and *$%^ it is hard.

But....

Looking back now after all the hurt, it was probably one of the best things that ever could have happened to me. And you have a lovely lovely place to recover! How pretty! And private!!!?

Good luck, and take heart. Keep us all posted won't you please? I hope things work out for you as well as they did for me. I'd have hated to miss all this.

Hope

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Girls:

We have all heard the notion that “time heals all.” We like to tell people this when they express depression over current events. In reality, I think that it does work of course. The brain tunes out “bad karma” and conjures up feelings of normalcy after a time.

I am about there right now. Do not let anyone fool you girls, 40 years of marriage and being the one divorced is not easy. And it is not going to just go away any time soon. For me, I was heavily invested in the medical and emotional well being of my spouse. Honestly, I would have taken a bullet for her. That simple!

She on the other hand, never really felt that close to me over the years. Close enough to get married, yes, but, there was always this feeling of distance for me. I could never put my finger on it, but, as I have learned, I was a means to an end. She did not have to go home and face the family after staying only for the summer of 1969 in Washington, D.C.

She was chided and told she could not make it there by all the immediate family members. She found in me, a means to an end. Get married, get someone else to steer the boat and take charge.

It worked!

Then it all backfired in the 4th decade. Unhappy and unable to ever talk to me on a personal level during the previous 30 years, things began to unravel. All the medical problems for her and her sister living with us for 17 months of surgery, alcohol consumption and mixed narcotics, it proved to be too much. On the other hand, all of my efforts to educate and promote to my spouse that she could do things on her own, suddenly took seed and sprouted over the summer of 2009!

So, I guess, in a way, I have no one to thank or blame but myself. Recently, I told the spouse; if she is happy, I win; if she is healthy, I win; if she is taking responsibility for herself, I win! After all, that is what I profess that I was doing all along. Trying to provide for and improve her life.

On this note, I should express the fact that she has some relationship with her church deacon. To what extent I am not sure. But, knowing my spouse, it is nothing serious at this time. She has a great deal of difficulty being intimate with anyone, it was even a struggle with me over 40 years. Nothing there has changed. Leopards cannot simply change their spots or their nature. Some facets of our personalities are fixed from early on in life.

I am a spontaneous personality with strong outgoing desires while she is totally the opposite. Lately, she has tried to give the impression that this has changed, but when challenged, her true, angry personality rises to the surface and the occasion. Nothing has changed, not really. She is stuck with her mother’s personality type. So, currently, she emulates her mother a great deal and those that knew her mother and have contact with her (spouse) right now, make the same observation. My spouse is her mother!

Well, I have begun a new journey. I am going totally digital with everything that I can. Banking, bills, investing, you name it, even my postal services. I hope to be 95% paperless in the next 30 days.

I want to be completely portable in everyway. Ready to move on to the next better situation. I owe this attitude to myself, and to “Tony Robbins” and his “Personal Power” program. Listening everyday and doing the exercises has really helped me once again in a critical time of my life.

I cannot say enough positive things about that 1990 tape cassette program that I am converting into MP3 recordings for my continuing personal use only. This is helping me dig my way out of a very deep emotional hole that I dug carefully. Time to accept and move on. Opportunities are everywhere I look.

Hugs

Danielle Marie

_________________
Make the most of every day!

[Leeza]

Danielle wrote

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Girls:

Thank you for all the support. I am here to tell you, depression is a very serious chemical imbalance in the brain that can be treated successfully. I had “Prozac Poisoning,” a condition where you have the reverse of what is expected. My serotonin level hit bottom and I was not myself any more. I had tremors, cold chills, laugh, cry and be angry all at the same time. I was in trouble! Fortunately, I recognized that I was in trouble and sought out professional help at a local hospital’s “Behavior Unit.”

I am no longer on any medicines and doing really well. Yes, I still break out crying from time to time; 40 demanding years of marriage related problems (medical surgeries mostly on spouse and son being bi-polar) has taken it’s toll on me. I have been told by others that it was amazing that I lasted this long and was working on current problems when it all came down at once. A house of emotional cards!

Today, I am back on track and trying to improve my life. I have to fool myself and tell myself everyday that I am doing this to help the spouse. We all will do far more for the family than ourselves. So, I just tell myself, this will help the spouse in the long run and I do the things that need to be done. By not thinking that it is only for me, my brain seems to agree and is willing to make the changes.

So here is to you sweetie …. Pass me another “BUD.”! Ha ha LOL!

Just kidding. Alcohol is a depressant and will never be of any real help to me. I am back in charge of my life. It is not where I want it to be yet. But, I do not need a box of Kleenex in my lap any more! That is a big step for me!

I have been posting a thread … in OFF-TOPICS; “Your attitude keeping you awake at night?” … highlighting the writings of Tony Robbins, the great self-help coach. I highly recommend his programs for those that are serious about CHANGE! When the pain gets to be to great, you too will seek pleasure in other things that serve you best. No need to wait that long, I have learned that with a little practice, I now can make change happen when I need it.

Hugs

Danielle Marie

_________________
Make the most of every day!

[Karen]

Danielle

I am brand new to this forum but after reading your recent posts you
are REALLY going through some very bad times. Of course, you
don't know me nor I you but a few years ago I was going through
some rough times but I made it by taking all of my problems to JESUS.
(I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GOING INTO AN AREA NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THIS FORUM)
but I just felt that I wanted to say this to you, just YOU AND JESUS.

I'll say a little prayer for you and your family.

Hugs
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Lots of Hugs
Karen Marie

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Karen:

Thank You. Politics and religion are two areas of our social structure that are often misunderstood and at times, the "bone of contention." Opinions are like "belly buttons," we all seem to have one.

For me, Jesus was a great philosopher first. Anything after that is subject to one's beliefs. Belief's come from exposure to such ideas most often supported by adult family members while we are in our early developmental formative years.

I am not sure of the policies and practices here on the forum with regards to religion. I would think as long as you do not hit me over the head with your bible we are going to be okay. My feeling is that our "forum monitors" have extensive experience in such venues and exercise their authority with discression. Thus, the forum has a growing population of individuals that stay on with us.

My spouse has opted to return to a church setting in her life which is fine with me. She has friends there that will look after her and she has a form of communication open to her that I think she was missing over the years that she willingly did not involve herself in.

Unfortunately, the same "group", advised her to leave me, when, they decided that she did not love me any more. Phew!

Knowing my spouse as I do, her leaving was a combination of things, stimulated the past 2 years by her sister's drinking, cussing, spitting, kicking, punching and slapping on me. I did not help things of course by being TG and including minor changes in my appearance that others currently do not seem to take notice of. Still, I am responsible for that, knowing that it might directly lead to my current state of affairs.

I am rather discreet most of the time, but, will mix and match clothes with a distinct "woman's flavor, but nothing that is that obvious. Few notice and when they do, they are not sure of what they just noticed, so they look rather puzzled about their face.

I am as you may notice redirecting this answer away from religion as in my opinion, it says what needs to be said quietly, without being too specific.

Thank You. I do talk with my creator on a regular basis, hoping that I do not start hearing voices in an empty room .... !

Hugs

Danielle Marie
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Make the most of every day!

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Girls:

Thank you for “tuning” in on this thread!

If you have been following along, you should know at this time that I have pretty much climbed over the emotional mountain. In January I made myself responsible for my mental states and not some pill.

With my serotonin and dopamine levels back to relative normal, my thinking has cleared up and while I am still morning the loss of my marriage of 40 years, I am addressing problems once again with a little more energy and enthusiasm for living. I reached bottom in the end of October 2009 with an arrest charge of menacing my spouse while suffering from “Prozac Poisoning;” too much of the wrong medicine. My first and only arrest in my lifetime, the first two hospital visits ignored my problem with the Prozac. It was on my third volunteer visit to a hospital’s behavior unit that a Psychiatrist on duty made the correct observation/diagnosis and it was corrected within two days following.

Best judgment call I ever made was to go to that third hospital and tell people in the behavior unit my symptoms and hallucinations coupled with thoughts of suicide. First two experienced hospitals thought that I was having a heart attack or anxiety attack. No one recognized my symptoms or deciphered from my only explanations the true condition until the third hospital visit after staying in a hotel for 5 days and observing my strange behavior. My sister was with me each day and I told her to make notes etc as she did. She was able to tell the third hospital doctors about my various patterns including the violent shakes in the middle of the night.!

So, I am here today because everyone that played a part, did their job well thank goodness! This week, I have put the lawyer on the spot and asked point-blank, can he do me better financially than I have already managed my self with the spouse? His answer will generate the corresponding divorce category; contested / non-contested and I will sign the executed papers immediately when they arrive here.

It is difficult to win at this game when the umpire (judge) is playing in it as well as the managers (lawyers). Never really sure who is up to bat and what the score is, let alone, rbi’s, strike outs, etc.

Spouse is on good terms these days after I sent her a purchased copy of “Susan Boyle’s” new CD released in the past month or two, and some really great smelling flowers, so she says. If the lawyer says that he can do much better for me, then the CD and flowers were just a ruse. If not, then they are from an understanding ex-spouse to be.

Spouse wants to be friends! With friends like that, I will never have need for enemies! Keeping her sister in the house for 2 years was the means to and end. Get control of the house! She did that after sending me over the edge while trying to keep her sister from killing herself with Vodka consumption and narcotics (legal prescription) provided by the doctor that did her surgery but did not know of her self-treatment with alcohol.
I have learned a great deal lately of what really works with the law in family court. It is not anything like television or the movies in reality. The court could care less about the reasoning, they just want to divide up the assets and move on. No retribution. No vindication on my behalf for being a really good spouse for 40 years. Standing by the spouse through all of the surgeries. Figuring ways to pay for everything without going bankrupt! All my efforts to provide a good home and life are simply mute! Absolutely no points for any of that.

Yes, of course, here, I am claiming all of these wonderful attributes and naturally, like hearing a voice over the telephone, I can say all the positive things that I want, they are not verified and cannot be done so for the most part.

So, you can either believe me or not. I have been selfless in my serving the spouse all these years, but, I do not have an authenticated video with vocal track to prove it. It is just my word!

Hugs

Danielle Marie

_________________
Make the most of every day!

[Virginia]

Hi Danielle,

Guess courts are the same most everywhere. I did not have a lawyer when we went to court. I figured, and rightly so that other than procedural issues, the court only wanted to know what currently existed. Who did what to whom or who contributed what to the relationship was totally irrelevant (unless there were extenuating circumstances, like threats of bodily harm, etc.). The court looks at it as big pie. The attorney gets his offering and the balance is spread out depending on what kind of mood the judge is in that day.

At the conclusion of our distribution, however, I got a shock when the judge turned to me and asked if I thought the distribution was equitable? Now how does one answer that without pissing off the judge??

In a couple of weeks she had me back in court over some trivial thing about some off-shore oil wells and Swiss bank accounts that she thought I had withheld from the court. Anyway, the judge was in a good mood so I just flat out ask him why he had asked me such a question, as to if I thought his distribution was fair. He told me is was standard in that if I did not and wished to appeal it would have been in the records. -- interesting.??!!

Anyway, if yours is not over, you may want to ask the court to seal the case so that future "prying eyes," i.e., future employers et al. can't see what you had or anything else related.

Stay fluffy, hon,

Love,

Virginia
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First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Viginia:

Thank you! Good idea. If anyone else thinks of anything to help this poor girl, do not hesitate to email me or put it in the thread.

Hugs

Danielle Marie
_________________
Make the most of every day!

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Girls:

I called the spouse today to tell her that a charge showed up on her credit card (I get this info downloaded into Quicken since I do the taxes etc.), that reflected a company that Google’s with a bad reputation for products, service, charges etc.

Now that is the reason for the call. The spouse, tells me that I can have the house back to live in while it is up for sale. But, before this, she has got to get her sister out of the house! I asked how long that might take … time frame. She did not know. I said, well, okay. Thank You. I do not plan on living in the area long since I do not wish to see her again.

She made a remark, I said, "the only reason things happened the way they did was because she would not remove her sister from the home after 2 years of hitting, kicking, spitting, drinking, punching on me!" I was devastated by the daily physical and mental punishment that I took. The results in late October were in direct correlation to that treatment.

My spouse knew this and “wanted to teach me a lesson.” She was tired of my “preaching” to her! This was a way to take me down a peg or two! “Preaching” about her weight, diabetes, high blood pressure, high triglycerides, which over time led to several surgeries, her knees wearing out (right knee full replacement), neck surgery for bad disk from car accident. I did not comment.

My spouse did not talk to me on a personal level for 40 years. Her one main complaint was that “I preached to her.” She is alive today, with a job that I managed to get back for her after being fired, all her medical is good, still a diabetic to the end, I cannot fix that, but I had her observing what she ate and she has lost 90 lbs based on my “preaching,” gone back to church after 20+ years being mad at God over the 1978 rape, and she got baptized after I told her that if she wanted these things it was good for her.

There is absolutely nothing that she has done that was not recommended by me in my “preaching” to try to give her the best possible life under the prevailing conditions. My spouse told me I was at fault for what happened to me in October .. arrested for menacing, and I replied about her sisters performance for being the real reason and she would not remove her from the home and she decided to teach me a lesson out of pure anger over her perception of “preaching” vs. love and caring.

I told her that no one would take the punishment that I took from her and her sister. Absolutely no one would be emotional enough to do what I did. The SIL is alive and well. The spouse is alive and well.

Good God … what else could one ask for! All of my assignments were completed with 100% success! Batting 1.000 …..!

My spouse has a mental blind spot to all of this. If I warned her to be careful of the skate board in front of her, right now, she would pooh-pooh me and proceed to take a fall just because I “preached to her.”

For 17 months, I did everything humanly possible to get my SIL to put down the alcohol and, get her a $200,000 surgery of the lower spine, managed to get the hospital to drop a remaining charge of $32,000.00, while today she is walking like any of us, has reduced her drinking and taking all the narcotics and for the most part has a future.

I went insane short-term with low serotonin and dopamine levels while going through “Prozac Poisoning.” My spouse looks at all this data and tells me that “I am fault for it happening.”!!!! ???????????????????????????

Most of you know that my son is bi-polar, well documented, so I am now sure, my spouse suffers from some condition that restricts her from being able to think in a rational manner. Yes, most say, move on Danielle, just move on. Well, I am but in my heart of hearts, I still feel that my original promise should not be just dismissed. “In sickness and in health!” There is no mention in that credo for just certain conditions etc. It is all encompassing; why bother saying it if you are not going to live up to it?

Hugs

Danielle Marie

_________________
Make the most of every day!

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Girls:

I am going to try and be careful with each word and sentence in this entry today.

As most of you should know by now, I am a person of science and social philosophy. That is, regardless of my early education and the people that delivered and supported that education, I over the past 40 years have endeavored to become an equal opportunity thinker. I.E., all religions are acceptable to me. No one religion owns God or has a direct ear to such a concept of deity.

All persons are created equal, while some are more proficient in specific recognized disciplines such as mathematics, biology, chemistry, philosophy etc. It is not what is between your legs but rather, what is between your ears that makes the difference.

That said, recently, I have had time to question what has evolved it seems the past 50 years. What is it? The idea that we should just do what feels good and ignore any other moral or social aspect of our social order!

I do not expect you to agree with me. I am looking for input that can agree or disagree and I will read it and think about it. This is my observation.

My spouse, for 40 years was unwilling (unable) to speak with me on any subject that would prove to be to personal to her way of thinking. No public speeches. No communication on politics, religion, or any subject that would require some thought or commitment to an idea.

Now, she is “praying for me and my immediate biological family as she feels we need the prayers. The Church that she attends, A modern Southern Baptist Church in Central Florida, has all the typical divisions one might expect of a modern day religious organization. Men’s Bible Study, Women’s Bible Study, etc. in mid-week and services on Saturday night (Country and Western Night) and the typical Sunday services and after church activities.

All very welcoming and moral. But, of course, the price of admission is for you to “see things their way.” The Women’s social group advised my spouse in the past, after she spoke with them on a limited (I am sure) basis and came to the conclusion that she should leave me and rejoin with Christ in their church! Something in my experience tells me that she did not tell them of her behavior or that of her sister in the past 2 years.

She was told that, according to their Bible, a person might have to lose everything before coming back to Christ! Whoa! Now she quotes scripture and prays for me and my family here in New York.

There is something wrong here. I am told to forget her and move on. On the other hand, the Minister at our wedding ceremony in 1969 placed great emphasis on, “in sickness and in health, till death do you part.” Also, “What God has joined together, no man shall put asunder!”
What ever happened to honoring the “VOWS.” Yikes! Did I get left behind in the 60’s or what? You see girls, I am just a bit confused about all this stuff. How do modern day Churches manage the conflict with the service and the 50% divorce rate in the USA?

People marry over and over saying the same vows. Duh! My SIL 5 times. My spouse’s Aunt of her fathers side, 7 times – between drinks!!!

I am not perfect by any means but really, this seems to be at best, ridiculous any more. I am old fashioned I guess. In this divorce, I am the one filing because the spouse does not want to have to pay or read any documents. She does not want the pain of the event I guess. It is just so …… so ….. weird!

One last comment. For those that want to write and tell me to just forget her and move on … consider this. If you are really sick and have a major illness and need help, would you tell your spouse to just move on? Really? I doubt it. In marriage two people learn to depend on each other. It is a road that serves both parties equally or it should in my opinion.

My spouse has fallen into the hands of religion. She is free to do so unless we can classify the religion as a cult in this society. Then under that classification, depending on the issues, as we have seen in the past involving children, the authorities get involved.

No children and not a cult by definition, but, my spouse has adopted perhaps a way of life that is submissive and while it is supposed to support marriage, seems that it as well, advocates the dissolution by divorce. How can they play both sides of the fence?

I am currently seeing for lunch once a week, a 42 year old woman that was divorced 3 years ago by her husband looking to be with a younger woman! We lunch together each week and bring 3 new jokes to tell and keep the lunch fresh and enjoyable. Nothing else! So I am moving on but it still tortures me over not being more responsible as I promised that day, August 23rd, 1969, to be.

HUgs

Danielle Marie

_________________
Make the most of every day!

[DonnaT]

I reckon its easier for those who say forget her/him, when there is no more love. And until one's love is directed to another or is simply no longer, then forgetting and moving on would seem to be rather difficult.

I agree that it is quite hypocritical for religious organizations to find fault with homosexuality and accept divorce/adultery, adultery being mentioned more times in the Bible, than homosexuality. Heck, even Jesus mentioned adultery, but never mentioned homosexuality.

And the idea of transsexuality corresponds to some of the discussion regarding eunuchs, all such discussions being positive, in fact. I still haven't figured out why many religions believe being transsexual is a sin, unless they are equating it with being gay, albeit erroneously.

Personally, I believe even the concept of homosexuality being a sin is erroneous as well, derived from a misinterpretation of the scriptures, probably in conjunction with preconceived notions. Can't see how love for another human being can be deemed a sin, when there is no victim.
_________________
DonnaT

[Robyn Katie]

Dear Danielle,

Your ordeal is one of the most painful I've read, and I can only say I'm so, so sorry that you have been victimized in this way.

As to this latest episode, surely religion (whatever its merits) was never meant to be used as a weapon, a control device, or a shaming mechanism. Nearly everyone nowadays seem to have forgotten that!

I remain convinced that there is happiness beyond all this for you. You have been in an abnormal situation with abusive people. You have only tried to live, and be gracious and contributive, or so it sounds to me, yet you've been not just rebuffed but persecuted.

To move on is so terribly hard. But it sounds like you are beginning to do so, and finding the resources you need, both within yourself and within others. Courage! You must know you have the ardent support of everyone of good will on this forum.

I sincerely hope today is an especially good day for you ... and the days to follow even better.

Love, Robyn Katie